Baby Changing Table maybe not this big but could make up one as an addition to the center as Happening now when I have the new baby: We learned a lot about poo in our parenting classes.  How to change diapers, all the diaper options, how to wipe, how to handle rashes.  We were solid on poo and how much of it we were about to encounter.  We also learned CPR and got real serious about finding the perfect pediatrician.  What else was there to know?  It was a tiny non-speaking human.  We would figure it out.  PEOPLE.  Let’s talk about what these parenting classes should be passing along to eager, bright eyed, bushy tailed, open eared parents-to-be.  Ten years in, these are the highlights I would have benefited from in Parenting 101: The Early Years.

  1. Your best friends might encourage you, from the very bottom of their hearts, to start smoking pot.  And their intentions will be 100% pure and valid.
  2. If you happen to hit the baby jackpot, teeth awakenings will be sweet and clap worthy.  You’ll develop the parent clap.  It’s not a normal clap.  If you’re NOT one of the lucky few, teething will sucker punch you in the parenting face.  For one very long year.
  3. Control is no longer a thing.  Hand it over and start Yoga.  Weekly yoga.  Become one with your loss of control early.
  4.  Until your children hit the golden age of 2, the shoulders of every item of clothing you own will be peppered with white crispies.  When examining clothing for the laundry, always check your shoulder first.  Avoid black.
  5. Place an inexpensive rug in your nursery, directly in front of the chair in which you will feed your child.  You will replace this rug at least twice by the time your child outgrows the crib.  It will be wet most of the time, so wear thick socks.
  6. You will suck at parenting so many of your minutes.  And the next minute you’ll transform into mom of the freaking year.  Embrace it.  All of it.  Especially the mom of the year moments.
  7. A boy plays on an artwork made of unwanted toys at the solo exhibition of Japanese artist Hiroshi Fuji, known for his creations that recycle unwanted toys and waste materials, in Tokyo September 6, 2012. More than 100,000 unwanted toys collected by social groups across Japan for the past 13 years were used in the exhibition. Called "Central Kaeru Station - where have all these toys come from?", the exhibition runs until Sunday. REUTERS/Kim Kyung-Hoon: If you close your eyes for 17 seconds, your once tidy and peaceful home will be littered with plastic.  So much plastic.  Primary colored plastic.  Big plastic.  Noisy plastic.  The plastic will multiply like Creeping Myrtle. Beware.
  8. You were created to be your own person.  A uniquely made human with passions, gifts, emotions, hormones, relationships, needs, a body to cloth and feed….becoming a parent does NOT wipe those things from your existence.  Pay attention to them.  You were not born to be MOM to your people.  You were born to be YOU FOR them.
  9. The grocery store – correction – all the stores – will become battle zones.  Marketing jerks put grenades at the bottom of every shelf with intention.  These are evil child hungry grenades.  Keep your children high and occupied.  Enter all stores ready for battle.  Hand sanitizer, an apologetic Mom face, new and exciting toys or books, and gym shoes.  And maybe a little Kahlua in your coffee mug.  That will inevitably spill.
  10.  Life is going to get loud my friend.  The type of noise I’m referring to is not noise that can be explained.  It lives in the air surrounding them.  The noise looms at various levels, but it’s always there.  The noise changes as they age, but be clear about the constant presence of this noise.  When the noise deadens, close your mother loving eyes and bask in it.  Memorize it.  Swallow it.  And pull it up when your head is on the verge of exploding.
  11. Purchase a plush, welcoming rug and blanket and place them in your largest closest.  Anthro haAnthropologie Aldalora Throw: s delicious blankets ladies.  Worth the $120. You might find yourself visiting said closet from time to time seeking refuge. No shame.  Walk out of that closet with your head held high.  An internal lock will eventually become necessary.
  12.  The little monkeys you’re raising will light up corners of your heart you didn’t know existed.  They will challenge you in ways you didn’t know could be challenged.  They will uncover your very best and your very worst self.  And everything in-between.  These monkeys will grow you up real fast and change your priorities. Your world will change in color, shape, and texture.  You will succumb to their irresistible antics and find yourself doing and saying things that would mortify your old self.  And you won’t care.  Not one bit.  Parenting 101 should, at minimum, teach us all this.